Guilford College’s Official Taxonomy of Zombie Subtypes
Since the first attack on Guilford College and the subsequent cutoff of communication from the outside world, we’ve been forced to rely on ourselves for information on the zombie invasion. Part of what made that first attack so devastating was the lack of information on zombies. We didn’t know how they operate, or even have a working definition of the many subtypes. To this end, our team was chosen from the student populace to make zombies our subject of study. Among our sources are any literature, films, and even videogames that involve zombies. After careful study and preparation, we have produced this document for the perusal of the community at large in the hopes that it will save lives in the event of a future attack. We’ve made every attempt to catalogue every zombie subtype, and have also included tips on how to survive should you encounter a particular type.
(A note, dear reader, on the language: We say “it” because we are referring to a unit. In reality, you will likely never encounter an “it.” Zombies are always at least a “them,” and you should expect to deal with them as such.)
Additionally, entries labeled with a red skull (
) are considered especially dangerous, either due to prevalence or capabilities.
There are new subtypes of discovered every day. Indeed, it’s among the few hobbies one can easily cultivate these days. Correspondence from overseas tells of a trainable sort of zombie(“Zeds”) in London, which are used for cheap labor and entertainment. No such luck stateside.
If it seems to be leading other zombies and to have some sense of human consciousness, then it is a Big Daddy zombie. These zombies are still capable of human resourcefulness and some emotion. They are not to be taken lightly and should be dispatched upon sight.
If it appears capable of re-learning how to be human, it is a Bub zombie. Don’t be fooled, the Bub zombie is still a zombie and can be provoked to typical zombie behavior. Do not ever assume you can re-socialize, and thereby re-humanize, a zombie.
If a zombie begins running towards you wheezing unintelligibly, you have encountered a Common Infected. First documented in Left 4 Dead, these zombies normally wander listlessly after infection and only attack if something in the area (normally uninfected humans) startles them. These are capable of running full speed, and aren’t afraid to attack alone. Unlike most other forms of zombies, these have a number of special subtypes, or Special Infected, which appear to be specifically designed to draw common infected to survivors. The best survival tip is to keep shooting, move towards safe areas, and hope you find conveniently stashed ammo piles that just happen to have the same three guns every time.
If someone you know has been bitten and is quickly succumbing to a feverish state, going in and out of consciousness, then they are very close to becoming a Familial zombie. They will quickly become out of touch with humanity and will be driven entirely by the instinctual need to feed. Do not wait for the zombie to reanimate as it will immediately attempt to eat you. The reanimation process will take a little while but these zombies are still very strong and more than capable of overpowering you. They will likely still move fairly quickly as their bodies have yet to decompose. The best thing you can do is exterminate on sight.
If the body is mostly decayed, leaving very little but the torso, yet the zombie continues to pull itself along, it is a Groper zombie. These zombies are less dangerous than many others as they have less means of attacking you but don’t underestimate them– they can still sink their teeth in your leg.
If someone you’re with someone who has been acting a little crazy and paranoid, then suddenly suspiciously refuse to let any of their clothing slip, then they are becoming a Jim zombie and should not be allowed to continue mingling with those not infected. For the soon-to-be-zombie’s sake, kill them before the illness takes hold. Otherwise they will become incredibly sick and be in extreme amounts of pain, possibly for days, before the change happens.
If it is seemingly benign and apathetic towards you, it is a Lazarus zombie. These zombies normally harbor no volatile intentions but beware their gaze as that is how they turn you.
If you see a zombie near you wearing a tattered uniform and perhaps a strong favor for fascism, you’ve encountered a Nazi Zombie. These haven’t been sighted since WW2 Europe, but vigilance never hurt anyone. Seemingly sprung directly from our own cultural fears of mindless fanaticism, these often travel in packs, converging on small houses with boarded up windows, and can be found walking, running, or crawling. The best one can hope for if trapped by them is to hold out as long as possible, and possibly find a ray gun stashed somewhere nearby.
If it shambles slowly toward you, stopping here and there to devour handfuls of grass, sunflowers, or perhaps to gnaw on a tree, it is a Plant Zombie. This does not, by any means, suggest that this zombie is an herbivore. It merely perceives these plants as obstructing the path to you. Anecdotal evidence suggests that peas (snow peas, snap peas, etc.) thrown at a certain velocity will cause their heads to pop off. We with the GCZSG plead that you dispose of them in the conventional manner, as food is scarce, and to waste it on a superstitious zombie-killing hunch would be wholly irresponsible. This seeming handicap of theirs is supplemented by a bevy of bizarre advantages – the ability to don football pads, dance, ride dolphins. Though exceedingly rare on the whole, an infestation of Plant Zombies is as serious as any, and maybe the only one wherein a retreat to the woods is a good idea.
If it has the potential for growth and strives for visible density, becoming slower the greater distance between you and it, then it is a Protocol Z zombii and you should make your location as difficult to pin down as possible by limiting noise and visibility.
If they display all of the above symptoms except for the cloudy eyes, shine your flashlight at it*. If it blinks, it’s a Quisling. In plain terms, it is not dead. No one is sure of what causes this condition. In an outbreak, some commit suicide, some die of despair, and some just start shambling. While officially still human, it displays no interiority, no fear, and no apparent reaction to pain. It will still try to eat you, and while its bite doesn’t spread the zombie virus, it is still a potentially lethal injury. We at the GCZSG understand that any zombie-era survivor balks at the idea of killing the living, but in most cases, there is nothing else to be done for these unfortunate creatures.
(Addendum – there are certain people who believe the only way to avoid the dead is to act like them. These are not Quislings – they sleep, eat, even have sex, existing in smallish stealth communities among the hordes, moving as they do. They pose no danger. We cannot see this as survival, nor as an advisable survival strategy – most zombies can smell the living, and it’s not typically worth it to figure out which can’t. Do not search crowds of ghouls for these individuals.)
If a zombie appears to be rabid and charges ferociously at you, you have encountered a Rager! Whether or not they can even be considered zombies has been a subject of fierce debate. They are not reanimated dead as most other types are, but appear to be infected by a virus that inhibits brain function and makes them prone to rage. The virus apparently had its genesis in Great Britain, and though the initial outbreak was eventually contained, the survival rate dropped to almost 0% within 28 days after the first infection. Be very, very cautious when engaging them, because even a small bite or scratch will infect you. The fact that they are not reanimated dead does give one advantage to those hoping to hold out against them: their bodies follow the same rules as normal bodies, thus there are more options in combat against them than simply destroying the brain.
If you come across a field, full of zombies, and they seem to continue to work, paying you no mind, you have encountered a Ruled Zobi. These zombies are tied to the Vodoun religion, it strikes people down to a death-like state until a bokor, voodoo priest, revives them from the grave to become virtually mindless servants. These zombies origin is Haiti, they are resurrected for one reason, to serve their master. These zombies are really no threat unless they are given instruction to harm you. If you see this zombie keep it moving, don’t bother them and they won’t bother you; the zobi, in this case, will case you no harm. One more word of advice, don’t feed this zombie any type of spices, if you do the bokor will lose a worker and may come after you to take its place.
If you encounter a person whose redolence of death, body decaying under the heat of the sun yet carries on in the world of the living as the living, you have encountered a Stubborn Zombie also known as a Stubbomie. There is only one way to deal with this Stubbomie, you invite it to dinner. No, not to eat your brains! But while he continues to gorge on food (because as a zombie, he’ll never truly be full), slip a black napkin where his normally white napkin would be. When he wipes his mouth and checks the napkin, then... and only then will he realize he’s the walking dead.
If it appears to be aimlessly shuffling along, it is a Walker zombie. These zombies, although not inherently fast, have less trouble catching up to you as their constant lumbering makes acceleration relatively easy. Sometimes you will come across a Child Walker but do not take these zombies lightly as the turning process eliminated any childlike innocence or weakness you’re expecting. Dispatch the Walker on sight.
If the zombie seems to be solitary and unmoving, it is a Waiter zombie. These zombies do not move around until they sense the living so beware their lack of movement– it doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t pursue you!
If it maintains its slow and dogged pace, has cloudy grey eyes, displays no motor skills outside loose grabbing, and moves in perhaps the largest groups of any subtype, it is what people mean when they say Zack, Zs, Ghouls, or Gs. They are seen everywhere, sometimes clogging whole cities, stretches of highway, mountain ranges, or countries (a moment, friends, for Ukraine). They tend to decompose entirely over five years in moderate temperatures, but are preserved indefinitely in ice, or in dry environs. You, of course, do not have five years. You can only stop them by destroying their heads – decapitation won’t do it. (Certain sources indicate that snapping, drooling ghoul heads were used in rites of passage.) They are the moan you hear instead of birds chirping, the mob you see instead of cars whizzing by – as much the scenery as the actors. One hopes, by now, that you know what to do.
If it can sprint, climb, smile, and scream, it is time to nut up, friend, or shut up – you’re dealing with a Zombielander. These zombies are about as dangerous as they come, but what they boast in physical capability they lack in durability – most can be laid permanently low by a firm blow to the head with a blunt object (a resonator banjo, strangely enough, does just fine.). Two hits are advised, though. You can never kill a zombie too hard. This strain of infection is actually a mutated strain of mad cow disease, but it is no less contagious than any other zombie virus. You know the drill. Don’t get bitten, bite it, or eat anything after dealing with it without washing up. Purell does the trick.